| SO I FELL IN LOVE |
[Apr. 8th, 2013|06:23 pm]
|
...with a girl who met me randomly, 1 week into her relationship break with her "ex" whom she still lives with.
I'm still reeling from how quickly we fell for each other.
Her, just now:
But then there's you.... seeming to come out of nowhere.... I feel like I have known you forever and like we
could talk infinitely.... you're so insanely smart and we seem to be on the same level for the most part...
you're so sweet and caring.... so cute and funny.... and every silly face you make makes me love you more and
more..... you're talented and you love music like I do.... you're an amazing writer.... and you seem to be a
deep thinker like I am.... there's so much more that I could list. Even little things... like physically you're a
bit more my 'type' than [ADVERSARY] since you're taller and a bit more muscular.
I told her I want to get a house and have a baby with her right away. I'm that sure. I'm that fucking sure!
Ex came back from his weekend away and asked for her back. Five-year history + cohabitation = pretty easy, comfortable thing to fall back into.
I kind of feel like I should go Zen, and accept that her decision is no longer open to my influence. I've made my argument. I've stated my feelings. I've told her I've fallen in love with her.
What's left to do, except to not do? I should be the dandelion seed. Trust my nature and my form to be what it is, yield control to the wind. |
|
|
| BABA |
[Jan. 10th, 2013|11:30 am]
|
So yesterday morning my grandmother had a severe stroke that wiped out her left hemisphere. Right side paralysis, complete loss of language and ingestive ability.
I was in Toronto at her bedside yesterday, and it's hard to tell through my own emotions whether there was any cognition behind the small reactions to voices and faces we could still notice. But she was peaceful and not in pain.
I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and said goodbye.
The rest of her body died this morning.
I love you, Baba. |
|
|
| FOR THE RECORD |
[Dec. 10th, 2012|11:41 pm]
|
UNLOCKABLE told me unceremoniously she figured out she wasn't attracted to me. Although she hoped we could still hang out as friends. I was disappointed but more relieved. She's not ready for what I am ready for. By her own admission she needs to work on herself before she can have a meaningful relationship. Fuck hanging out as friends. I have enough two-way friendships to bother with a dysfunctional one-way.
I bailed on COUNTRY's birthday party--which UNLOCKABLE was attending-- to host karaoke at HIRSTY and RIN DIESEL's ugly sweater party. I hooked up with an old friend of theirs I've known for years. I guess this was the first time she and I were both single. I nailed her like I had something to prove. Well, I suppose that I did. I suppose I wanted to fully deliver to someone who thought I was attractive. Like a mini-rebound!
Several of my friends at COUNTRY's birthday party blew up my phone around midnight asking why I wasn't there. I cut and pasted my text to all of them. Kind of not nice, but I could barely do that-- having a blast.
UNLOCKABLE texted me the following day.
"Hey! How you been? Thought you were going to [country's] bday last night."
I was polite but cold enough that I doubt we'll interact again until we both happen to be at the same social thing in person.
My only regret is that in COUNTRY's eyes I fucked things up so badly with her that she'd probably warn off any of her hot friends she saw getting too close to me. Otherwise I might have put in an appearance at her party... one of her friends is single, better looking than any celebrity I can think of, and incredibly cool to boot...
Oh yeah my truck got broken into again, haha. They cleaned me out pretty good. Insurance will replace most. I think they hit the whole neighbourhood with a van. It was well planned. |
|
|
| GURRRRRRRLZ |
[Nov. 26th, 2012|11:35 pm]
|
So the cruise I went on was fantastic... mostly because of the friends. The hurricane didn't help much.
I met, or sort of re-met, a girl on the trip, from my town, travelling with our group. Since then she and I have been... umm... if we were taking it any more slowly it would be like pen pals. She is not the type to ever really prioritize a boyfriend, or see a boyfriend more than a couple times a week. Or be affectionate, open, or physical. Really hard for me to keep up my emotional momentum, but I kind of gave it until the end of this month before I start seeing other people. The reason I don't just forget about her completely at this point is she's apprehensive about being a rebound relationship. I haven't given her any reasons to be unsure, but she says she wants to be sure. She won't articulate exactly why. Haha, the more I type, the more it looks like dating her would be the worst idea ever. But she's admittedly slow to get comfortable with people, so I've given it these weeks. I'll lay things on the line with her when I see her later this week. Let's call her UNLOCKABLE, which I think she is, despite her admission that she's never fallen in love.
PRANKS is an admittedly quite wonderful girl who tracked me down over a dating site and has been after me ever since. PRANKS just recently followed me on the twitterz and read some of my tweets about UNLOCKABLE. PRANKS is sad and probably even a little heartbroken over me. Things did not progress beyond WhatsApp friendship with PRANKS as she lives a 90-minute drive away, and has a 6-year-old kid. I friendzoned her but she very much grew on me in the interim. She's a big fan of my music and it would be awesome to have that kind of support in my life. The dealbreaker is I don't think she wants to have any more kids, haha.
PRANKS, I'm sorry if I broke your heart. But if you are the right choice for me, lemme make a few more wrong ones so I'm sure of it the way I need to be.
Oh and I cashed a cheque today.
I finished the day up $860. |
|
|
| IUQGLK,KJ |
[Oct. 9th, 2012|11:09 pm]
|
If things go right, I should cash over $30,000 worth of cheques this month.
I shaved down the hours of my less productive employees and worked a bunch on my own. It's taking its toll-- I feel pretty exhausted and broken, working these nonstop 100-hour weeks. But starting tomorrow the workload lightens somewhat, and I may even get this weekend off. And of course the last week in October I'm going on a cruise with 16 friends!
Erm, make that 15 friends and COUNTRY, who I dated for a short while in the summer and effortlessly alienated. Should be good times, and not at all awkwarrrrrrrrrrd
awkwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd: my dad's wife (retired teacher) is conspiring with one of my clients (her friend, also a teacher) to set me up with single teachers they know.
AWKWARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD |
|
|
| I FREAKED OUT |
[Aug. 23rd, 2012|02:00 am]
|
...when I took a close look at my finances and my business.
I've gotta make some changes, knock my full-time guys back to part-time, hire a new/cheaper helper, and do some more production myself.
Maybe rent out the spare bedroom to a student.
Go for a $15k credit line to pay off (most of) my credit cards. I got approved by CIBC.
I'd go bankrupt if it meant I could keep the house somehow. I *could* switch title over to my mom only (she's on it already) but then I'd have to wait two years until the asset would be fully hers from a bankruptcy standpoint. I'd just live here and rent from her.
But more likely I'll bang out production on my own alongside an eager young person who can manage the business. Then I'll get another job or begin another venture while keeping the painting as an income stream.
Some big changes have to be made if I'm to finally start climbing out of this financial rut.
I guess I could be easier on myself, having somehow survived my separation financially only a few months ago.
Gotta get on the grind. |
|
|
| EX-WIFE |
[May. 31st, 2012|09:53 pm]
|
She's out!
My reward: brewdoggs and browser history.
Don't borrow your ex-husband's computer for three weeks unless you're computer literate enough to delete your tracks. |
|
|
| STRENGTH OF CHARACTER |
[May. 29th, 2012|10:20 pm]
|
I can see why many ex-husbands opt not to help their ex-wives move. But in my case, I had no choice: if I didn't help her move, she would take me to court.
Today I loaded tens of thousands of dollars' worth of stuff I've bought with my own hard-earned money into my truck and took it to her place. At least she took me out for lunch.
She "helped" as much as a low-functioning European woman wearing a dress and sandals could.
We got testy at a few points, but I managed to keep it together by mentally chanting:
I get the house. That has value.
I get the business. That has value.
This is just stuff. It has no value. |
|
|
| MNBWJQKJ |
[Oct. 13th, 2011|02:49 pm]
|
I'm supposed to be working on paint quotes...
Instead I'm poring over trading articles. It's been awhile, but I think I see a new edge on the horizon. It's not fully formed yet, but it's pulling from the fragile global macroeconomy (and backed by some key vocal bears/doomsayers), the nascent Occupy Wall St. movement (which is like Genesis in Preacher: an incredibly powerful, new baby god with unpredictable potential), and my own overarching bearish sentiment held over from being acutely tuned-in to the markets up until I stopped actively trading at the end of Q1 2008.
Some notes:
Gold is near a short-term peak. It will pull back and stagnate for 3 years, then go astronomical until markets no longer matter.
Long specific stocks in 2012, the last rally before long-term pain. January Effect will play out (not this one, but the one where the January chart predicts the whole year's chart), making the last half of January 2012 the dip to start building a short-term long play.
Flip to extreme sellside bias sometime between Q4 2012 and Q2 2013. Build shorts.
The other shoe drops sometime in 2015.
One consequence of the Occupy movement will be vicious US market reform. (Time to fade the HFT strategy?) Derivatives will be a historic footnote.
The only long-term investments are self-sustenance for yourself, your family, and your community.
I finished the day up $2480.
|
|
|
| UHH |
[Sep. 7th, 2011|12:35 am]
|
Whoa, haven't updated since I switched to Chrome.
Starting to pull down daytrader money from the painting biz... thing is, 90-day net payment lags mean I'm kinda broke until I hit a level I want to stay at. The $10k job funds the $30k job funds the $80k job funds the... hey, why stop until I have to.
Marriage on the rocks. I dunno, I did my best, and then stopped trying so hard when I realized I was pouring all my heart and soul into someone else's bottomless pit. Depression + loveless upbringing = no matter what you give, you get nothing back. Or maybe you get just a trickle, just enough that you think, Hey, I'd be a huge dickhole if I end things now, right when she's about to turn a corner.
I miss you, LJ. It was cool when I could write stuff and people would care without shit having to go OMGV1R4L!!!!!!. Not a lot of people, but quality people. I love Twitter as a peek into the aggregate brain of the few interesting internet people still out there... but as a writing platform, it's forgettable punchlines at best.
I miss the times when I cared so much about music, and new discoveries on that frontier. I mean I still do care but my shitty, busy adult life means I don't have time to dig for gems the way I used to. Oh,  fuckyoucrew, thou wast the best goddamn thing on the internet. Why has thou forsaken me.
I used to connect with people. Now I feel so content exploring endless Minecraft caves, alone. Top level of difficulty, making sure every last nook is lit by a torch, getting my ass slaughtered and lost. Alone.
I'm suing someone for the first time today. I don't want to be a doormat anymore. (But I still want to be the generous "nice guy" I always was... can the two coexist?) I keep telling myself it's the last big personality flaw standing in my way of success. Or at least, success on what I think are my own terms. And anyway, from there, where?
I finished the day even. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
sofahead